


a brief history of jongyu's propensity for handholding.

by rainybluemoon



Category: SHINee
Genre: Fluff, Holding Hands, Late Night Conversations, Love, M/M, Quiet, bandfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:07:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainybluemoon/pseuds/rainybluemoon
Summary: see title
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Lee Jinki | Onew
Comments: 14
Kudos: 20
Collections: Summer of SHINee Round 2





	a brief history of jongyu's propensity for handholding.

a brief history of jongyu's propensity for handholding.

_ below the streetlights passing by, between the lights shining through; _

_ above this street where it seems nothing is left (you and i). _

_ what more could anyone need when all i need is you. _

_ since when did you and i become so close? _

_ since when did my tiring days get comforted by you? _

_ don’t say a word, right now what i need _

_ is a cool drink, the han river’s nightscape, and you. _

_ my friend, my best friend, _

_ there’s no need to hide anything. _

_ we’ve seen all there is to see. _

_ oh my friend (yeah), oh my friend. _

_ don’t treat me like everyone else, _

_ you know you and i are different. _

_ yeah, you and i have been there, done that; _

_ fighting as if we’d eat each other alive one moment. _

_ then making up the next, oh. _

_ if we’d met as lovers or through love, probably _

_ we’d already have broken up long ago. _

_ since when did you and i become so close? _

_ since when did my tiring days get comforted by you? _

_ even without saying a word, we already know _

_ how to soothe each other. _

_ my friend, my best friend, _

_ there’s no need to hide anything. _

_ we’ve seen all there is to see. _

_ oh my friend (yeah), oh my friend. _

_ don’t treat me like everyone else _

_ you know you and i are different. _

translation credit to sullaem

*****

_ since when did you and i become so close? _

jinki leaned over the kettle. a glass lid kept the steam from clouding out the top, but he could still feel its warmth on his cheeks, closing his eyes. he breathed deeply. it was past 2 am and he couldn't sleep, his feet were bare against the cold kitchen floor, and he twisted his fingers behind his back into his loose cotton t-shirt. a second later, a touch to these fingers made him yelp, half swallowing it just in time. he turned around, and as he did, the touch became a hand entwining around his left. a soft palm. strong writer's fingers. warmth at his nape.

"jonghyun?"

a muffled groan at his nape. 

"did i wake you?"

another groan. a sigh. "no." breathy and tired and warm, jonghyun's lips barely touching the back of jinki's neck. jonghyun stepped back as jinki turned around, their hands still tangled together. it was warm and jinki could feel his cheeks flush warmer with more than tea water steam. it was too hot that night. it was the dead of july, monsoon season downpouring on the city with a side of muggy grey heat. jinki could feel tingles trailing up his arm from where his nerve endings still connected with jonghyun's. just skin. jonghyun smiled sleepily, his eyes crinkling up into little slivers. little smiles of their own. "was writing."

jinki hummed and the kettle reached boiling point and clicked off. he half-turned, snagging a mug by the handle from the drying rack and scooping a tablespoon of tea leaves into it. he could feel jonghyun's judgmental gaze on his neck as he poured the boiling water over them. "did we lose the tea leaf steeper?"

jinki shrugged. "i can just sift the leaves out with my teeth. it's not that bad." 

jonghyun shook his head, shaking their hands a little too. jinki felt like his palm was starting to get sweaty, and almost wanted to pull away, but almost didn't, too. he wasn't sure why he was feeling so aware of jonghyun's hand that night.

holding hands with jonghyun had never been unusual. 

*****

_ there’s no need to hide anything. _

jinki could feel jonghyun's full body tremors right beside him. his whole self was shaking--with nerves, with tension, with pure adrenaline, and with not a little unadulterated fear. jinki turned his head left, and right, making eye contact with each one of his members, the four other boys he had to lead straight into a flashing sea of cameras, producers, directors, reporters, and general mass hysteria. there was no going back after this, and even though they had all worked so hard for this moment, the first moment they were going on stage together as SHINee, he felt his breath catch in his throat and almost wished he could run away from all of it. just for a second.

jonghyun grabbed his hand. 

jonghyun tended to be touchy with everyone, but he had never done this for jinki before. this was the first time he felt so solid next to jinki, his physical presence undeniably there and pressing all the same anxiety, fears, and doubts into jinki's palm even as he began to leach jinki's away. sharing it all. jonghyun pulled his hand away just as the producers started to usher them out, and jinki felt like gravity was tugging away from him, like he was floating a little into the bright hot manufactured air. he took a breath and they stepped on stage as five, as one.

*****

_ since when did my tiring days get comforted by you? _

_ even without saying a word, we already know _

_ how to soothe each other. _

jinki was so exhausted, he could tell that even donning sunglasses couldn't hide the grey lines of his face, the sunken cheeks and baggy eyes, the tilt to his mouth. he felt like he'd been up for more hours than he could count, too many schedules and flights and more schedules. too much to care sometimes. 

he knew he wasn't the only one, knew everyone else felt sunken into themselves, so tired that they felt cold even beneath thick layers and long sleeves. jonghyun stood next to him in line, waiting for it all to move forward, for time to speed up until they were back at the dorm, back to some semblance of a bed even if it was just the massive blow-up mattress they pulled out for when time was too tight for kibum and taemin and jonghyun to go back to their homes. jinki had already determined that there was a high chance he wouldn't even make it to his room in the dorm; he would probably end up collapsing in a pile with the rest of them as soon as they got to the living room.

the line moved forward, and jinki could hear a long slow breath leave jonghyun's lungs, somehow, his chin and mouth thickly covered by a black turtleneck pulled high up to his ears, his head ducked as he shambled forward. jinki reached over and grabbed jonghyun's hand as the doors slid open.

*****

_ yeah, you and i have been there, done that; _

_ fighting as if we’d eat each other alive one moment. _

_ then making up the next, oh. _

it felt like jonghyun hadn't spoken in days, and jinki's chest ached with the stress of it. the whole dorm felt off-balance without jonghyun's voice, humming, chattering, warbling around the kitchen as he dug into the freezer for ice.

everyone reacted to the heat in different ways. jinki tended to a faceplant on the kitchen table, letting the flush of his face leach into the cool wood, gripping the hard edges until his knuckles paled. minho complained loudly and often, his complaints mixing with kibum's as the two of them wandered down the hallways and through rooms. taemin went on as normally as possible, sweat slipping down his forehead and spine, sprawling out over the living room floor where the sunrays beat down through the window. that didn't do much, but if it made him feel better--

jonghyun usually became quieter as he dealt with the heat, but never stayed in silence, before.

there had been a fight, two days ago, and it still weighed heavy on jinki. he couldn't even remember what had started it, the five of them stuck in this dorm through the infernal heat of high summer. no schedules, nothing to do. nothing to let them escape. it was a rare day off in the middle of preparations for promotions, so they had to be there, together. everyone else seemed to have forgotten, but jonghyun was still quiet, saving up his voice after shouting it hoarse, five different personalities laden with their own frustrations. it wasn't important, it was by far not the worst fight they'd ever had, and would definitely not be the last.

sometimes it was just missing home. 

jinki propped his head up dully on his wrist, sitting wide-legged at the kitchen table, wishing the wooden floor was tile, stone, concrete, even. his toes felt sweaty. it was late afternoon and the light was beginning to slant through the windows to the countertop, and jinki's stomach grumbled, but it was too hot to eat. 

jonghyun's door opened then, from down the hall. jinki knew it was his because it was just a hush of a push, and he appeared in a long baggy white t-shirt in the next moments. he avoided jinki's look and went straight to the refrigerator, pushing containers here and there, shuffling cartons and bags. he reemerged with a container half-full of cold rice, paused, and then let his gaze flick to jinki. he lifted the container with a raised brow. jinki nodded, straightening up.

jonghyun set the container down at the end of the table and picked out two clinking spoons from the drawer by the sink, coming to sit across from jinki. he popped the lid open and his fingertips went wet from the condensation running down the teal plastic, and then offered a spoon to jinki. jinki dug his spoon into the rice, flipping stray dry grains over the table.

they ate together, the rice cold and hard and anything but chewy, worked down to a crumble by sheer force. jonghyun spent too long working on a particular clump before giving up, swallowing hard and setting his spoon down. jinki continued chewing, glancing up.

'you okay?' he asked. 

jonghyun shrugged, letting his fingertips start to tap on the surface of the table. jinki continued to eat but slid his hand over and tangled their fingers together.

'just tired,' jonghyun said then, letting his thumb run against jinki's and not pulling away. 'i miss roo, you know? of all things, i miss having her lie across my legs. i miss complaining that her fur is too hot to exist in the summer.'

jinki nodded. he took another clumpy dry bite, but then settled his spoon down. 'i know. i think mine's sillier than yours, though. i miss my mom's potted plants. you know, the leafy ones she keeps under the living room window. and the wildflowers in the brush outside our building. she sent me a photo the other day.' he moved as if to stand, to find his phone, somewhere, but jonghyun's fingers tightened around his. 'i can show you later.'

'okay.' jonghyun smiled, and the weight in jinki's chest eased just a little.

*****

_ below the streetlights passing by, between the lights shining through; _

_ above this street where it seems nothing is left (you and i). _

jinki was so tired, slumping and falling against jonghyun in the car, the nearest body, streetlights zipping past into a blur of bright night. their manager was dropping off all of them at their dorm tonight, setting alarms to drag them all off their mattresses at daybreak again anyway for another schedule. jinki's eyes still dazzled with all the lights of the stage, as they always did, blinking against the red spots even an hour later, still feeling the wisps of white confetti bursting around them and the heat of all those bulbs beating down. eyes everywhere. faces in the dark. but there were also the pearl aqua lights, like their own personal stars in that sky. jonghyun's hand gripping his tightly. 

nerves fluttered in jinki's belly, long past due. in that moment, he hadn't been able to think of anything, just let jonghyun take his hand, warm and a bit sweaty but firm, in front of all those fans and all those cameras, glaring eyes and lenses. he didn't care though.

the other three in the third row of the car were lumped together, half groaning in exhaustion and half wired up with adrenaline. a stray shout and giggles here and there, but jinki just felt quiet with jonghyun against him. 'are we eating?' minho and taemin both asked, and had a back-and-forth with their manager as he turned a wide corner, holding the steering wheel steady.

jonghyun hummed against his cheek, distracting him, nestling his head on jinki's shoulder, and found jinki's hand again there in the dark, a half-asleep comfort. 

surely that was all.

*****

_ you know you and i are different. _

holding hands with jonghyun had always been extraordinary. jinki offered his full steaming mug up to jonghyun's lips, and jonghyun scrunched his nose up, breathing the leaves, the oils, the petals in deeply. 

"which one is this?"

"rosehip and lemon. i'm feeling achy."

jonghyun smiled indulgently. "you also ran out of your rose black tea, right? so you're scrounging kibummie's herbals for your fix?"

jinki pouted a little. "i like rose."

jonghyun laughed quietly. "i know." he swung their hands, still held between them. "want to see what i've been working on?" he asked suddenly, glancing up with a sort of shyness jinki hadn't seen in a while. 

"of course." jinki found a better grip on his mug and managed to hit the kitchen light switch with his elbow without spilling too much. "lead the way."

*****

_ don’t say a word, right now what i need _

_ is a cool drink, the han river’s nightscape, and you. _

jonghyun both hated and loved the feeling that consumed him whenever he stepped out of the studio after blue night. that pitch dark silence, the chill that always lingered at that time of night no matter the weather. maybe it was the chill of emptiness, seeing the windows blank and the roads silent. the sky high above branches and tall company buildings, sometimes the bright moon. no cars or pedestrians, just concrete slabs and bulbs with their harsh little spheres of too-bright light.

there  _ was  _ a car tonight, though. he stuttered to a halt, squinting in the darkness. 

'jonghyun-ah~'

_ jinki _ .

'what are you doing here, hyung?' jonghyun had started walking again, and jinki was walking right up to him outside the radio station, navigating the walkways and decor in the dark, bumping their shoulders together as they met and then turned together back towards the car parked across the street. jinki pressed a button and the doors clicked open as they approached. he didn't respond.

jonghyun let slip something of a chuckle, almost breathless. the chill was stronger now, across his shoulders. autumn was coming, but only at night. 'are you taking me home?'

jinki hummed and got in. jonghyun took a deep breath and settled in too. he suddenly felt like crying and he almost didn't know why.

the drive was short. the city's roads were never truly empty, but traffic was sparse this late and it wasn't long before jinki was pulling into a space with a view of the river. 'jonghyun-ah, let's go for a walk.'

'this late?'

jinki smiled and nodded. he closed his door and pulled open the back, and jonghyun turned in his seat to see jinki pulling a loaded plastic bag from the well of the backseat. 'come on, i know you won't be able to sleep for a couple of hours anyway.'

jonghyun stepped out and followed him through the parking lot and down the path, past benches and bike lanes to a grassy spot on the bank. the lights of the city were still bright and colorful, reflecting on the dark water. jonghyun wished the reflections were of the stars. they sat and he leaned back on his palms, stretching his legs out in front of himself. he looked back up at the sky, letting his head fall back, easing the tension in his neck, finding the moon peeking out from behind a stray cloudveil. a breeze passed and he shivered outright, and jinki was unpacking his bag of goodies, stuffing jonghyun's lap with kimbap and sweet chips and a searingly cold drink. the grass pressed into his palms as he straightened again, leaving red lines all across them. dents in him.

'here.' jinki had noticed, jinki was pressing another cold drink into them, relieving the sting. wrapping his own hands around the icy metal. jonghyun nodded and popped the tab, tiny tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

'tell me,' jinki said, and so he did.

only in the dearth of light and company could jonghyun pour himself out to jinki, and after long moments--'i don't know why i'm talking like this, i love my job, i'm just so tired….' he sighed. 'i want to create this safe space, and i want to keep it safe. i want to be a comfort to the people who are tired and lonely. but sometimes….'

'you want to be comforted too?' and there was jinki's hand against him. jonghyun's breath caught as jinki's fingers laced warmly between his, squeezing. 

jonghyun had kept his gaze resolutely on the night sky, on the moon, now fully out and silvery white in the dark, brighter than the colorful city lights he wanted to escape, but he turned his head towards jinki, bringing their hands together, cradling them against his hip. he shuddered and took a deep breath of cool air. 

'at the end of each day, let's just rest like this.'

*****

_ what more could anyone need when all i need is you. _

jinki sat cross-legged at the end of jonghyun's bed, his lap full of notebook papers pulled from their spirals, scribbles and scratches and doodles and lyrics, all these lyrics pulled together from small moments, brief lingerings and touches. jonghyun felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him, looking at his efforts collected together, dulling his eyelids heavy and making his heart feel glassy. 

jinki held up one page and mouthed the lyrics silently, curving his lips around these words that seemed to mean more to him than they would others. would anyone be able to tell? he decided that he didn't care.

he held out a hand, smiling brilliantly at jonghyun. jonghyun took that hand, jinki's warm, comforting hand, and let his eyes drift closed, just smiling. this was okay, just this, like this. the rain beat down harder outside and it was still too warm in the dorm, but all that mattered was jinki's warm hand, right then. 

'i'll sing it soon. i have a composition too. will you mind?'

'never.'

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this together with blue night books so apologies if they sound a little similar. these are the most complete things i've been able to write for almost three years, and it's been hard, but i'm relieved to have written something again after struggling for so long. i am sorry that i took brief very literally--i hope it brings some small happiness though


End file.
